Golf Jokes III

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a might swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Sh?*, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Sh?*, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Sh?*, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice.........

"Sh?*, I missed."

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN.
"According to St. Titleist . . .

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. ~Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown

Caddyisms

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch -- it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."